Those crucial yet brief moments of social interaction may very well get you through the day. I never seemed to be able to get my head around it. Do I have a problem communicating effectively? Or does everybody else. As Taylor Mali puts it, "have we just gotten to the point where we're the most aggressively inarticulate generation to come along since, ya know, a long time ago?" Conversations just aren't as intellectually stimulating as they should be. Why have we become so unapproachable in real life that we have to rely on text messaging, facebook, twitter, email, instant messaging, voicemail and the like just to communicate on a meaningful, but entirely unsatisfying level.
Luckly, there are people who devote their lives to studying the mechanics of human conversation, and there are many things we can learn from them.
Holds are those little rubber grips on a climbing wall that help you get from one step to another.[1] They are also pieces of information within a conversation that are relevant and important to keep the conversation going. How about an example.
One day, while at your favorite indoor climbing range, you see a cute someone climbing a wall.
You decide that you would like to strike up a conversation with that person. But you can't just go up and start talking to a complete stranger. You risk sounding like a creeper, crazy person, or possibly even offending them.[2] So what we do is search for holds. A dog, a hairstyle, an odd piece of clothing, the surroundings, anything to strike up a conversation and get your foot in the door. I have intentionally started wearing one bizarre piece of clothing each day just so that if anyone is on the edge about striking up a conversation with me, I provide them with a foot hold to start from. Conversely, if I don't want to be talked to today, I'll dress myself very plainly. Lots of grey, no odd clothes, go easy on the hair style. I'm a statue, I'm a face in the crowd, I'm telling everyone I want to be left alone, and I'm unapproachable. It's the same as 'going offline' on facebook chat.
Getting the conversation going is one thing, keeping it going is another, but the holds rule is still in effect.
Person A: "I like turtles" This sentence has one hold, turtles. The only polite course of action would be for you to continue the conversation about turtles. You could also try changing the subject or ending the conversation, but neither of those will have satisfying results.
Person A: "I like my turtles" This sentence has a lot more holds.
Person B: "How many turtles do you have? What are their names? How long have you had turtles? Why did you choose turtles over a more conventional pet?" so on and so forth.
By carefully choosing the 'holds' you offer, you can steer the conversation in a particular direction. Be careful though, as in this driving metaphor, there are dead ends.
Person A: "Hey, how are you doing?"
Person B: "Fine." ... Obviously person B doesn't want to talk, but at least they acknowledge you.
Person C: "I'm ok" ... Still not much to work with, but it prompts deeper conversation, but only if Person A is genuinely interested.
Person D: "OMG you're not going to believe the weekend I've been having, blah blah blah"
Person D has just spewn molten crazy all over person A, and person A is unlikely to ever ask again. Where did D go wrong? As it turns out, maybe Person A had something more important to talk about than whatever was on person D's mind. Person A was probably starting the conversation for a reason, let's give them a chance.
Starting a conversation is like pulling up to a four way stop. You have to negotiate who has the right-of-way before plowing through the intersection. You'll get your turn to talk so long as you don't crash the conversation before you get there.
Other ways to crash a conversation is by not offering a single hold. Demurrals, evasions, and dodges all stall the conversation. By not answering the question, or by being coy, you are intentionally sticking a wrench in the gears of the conversation. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you" is funny but how do you respond to that?
You don't. The conversation is dead because you obviously can't create any more original thoughts. It's like talking to a parrot. If you tell a joke, make sure it's relevant.
The last thing about having meaningful conversations is to put yourself out there. I catch myself dodging out of conversations all the time. I excuse myself because I am busy or preoccupied. Then, at the end of the day, I wonder why I don't feel like I've connected with anybody. I become disappointed in myself and angry at others. Don't hold out on your conversations.
[1] Yes, this whole post is basically a rip off of a chapter in Brian Christian's book, "The Most Human Human" get used to this sort of thing, it will happen a lot around here.
[2] Ever been out in public, when someone from your past recognizes you, comes running up and eagerly shouts, "Hey, remember me?" What follows is a delicate situation. The first possibility is that you have someone who genuinely used to be your friend and misses your company. The second is that an insane person has just inconvenienced you. And the third is that someone insignificant from your past (who just so happens to have a photographic memory) has just put you in a very awkward situation. You could pretend you know them, gracefully excuse yourself from the conversation, or do a 'Meet the Parents spike' and send that volleyball of awkwardness right back at their face (personal favorite). "Nope sorry, I do not remember you. I guess you didn't leave a lasting impression on me. Goodbye."
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