Autumn Ramblings

In life, there are emotional highs and lows. There's a rhythm to these things. October was spectacular. Fall Festival, my birthday, Halloween with the candy and costumes, especially getting to see Tim again. It's only natural that mountains create valleys, but I can't remember the last time I fought so hard against the downhill portion of this ride. I know where I'm going, and I know that the valley leads back up to another mountain, but dang it, I don't want to be depressed during this season! I don't want to be board of my entire music library, I don't want all my food to taste and smell bad. I don't want the autumn colors to be dull and muted. I don't want to feign interest in sports, movies, games, friends, and family. November shouldn't have to suck! 
Some things I just can’t control. I know that for the next 5 months, I’m going to drive home from work at 5:00 pm in total darkness. At least I have a home, a car, and a job. Why can’t I choose to enjoy that experience? Why must I go though this emotional valley? I know from living in my skin for 30 years now, that this is a process that I must embrace. Even the valley can be enjoyed, so long as I stop fighting against it. I can choose slide down the mountain, clawing and tearing at every little limb and shrub along the way, or I can embrace the melancholy, even enjoy the subdued season. 
I can use this time to shed the overgrown responsibilities of my life. Reclude a little. Grow a lot. I can walk boldly into the dark because I know that joy WILL come in the morning. I have absolute certainty that rain falls, sun shines, and mountains follow valleys. Jesus taught me not to camp out. Yes, we must go though the valley, that’s not for me to decide. But don’t camp out. Don’t sit down. No stopping, standing, or parking. Don’t obsess about it. There is a balance in embracing the somber season without growing attached or fixated on my own suffering. 
It’s ok to be sad sometimes. Please, don’t beat myself up. I am valuable. My wife, parents, siblings, friends, and infant daughter all love and cherish me. They are all relying on me while at the same time, they realize that I am not their savior. It’s ok for me to be sad sometimes. They don’t think less of me for it. It’s not weakness, its natural, and everyone knows it. Take the time that I need, they’re happy to give it to me. More than just meeting up on the mountain tops, they want to be with me in my valleys as well. All the time. They love me. Don’t shut them out. They need you to help them though their own valleys, show them how it’s done. Teach them not to camp out in the valley while still validating their valley experience. 
Feeling better? Good. Now it’s time for some real talk. Yes, you will pass though this safely. BUT, there are some things you need to watch out for, so you don’t end up extending your stay by accident. First, be careful of your music. You learned this the hardest way. Don’t listen to sad music, or music that glorifies depression. You don’t have to listen to freaking Disney songs for a month. Just be choosey with your music. Be careful with Emancipator, stay away from Ladytron, absolutely none of that crap you listened to when you were young. Seek new stuff. Making new memories will help build the foothills of the next mountain.
Next, you need to get some exercise. NEED. Get up early. Do it in the morning, before it hits you, while it’s still cool outside. While all the restaurants still smell like breakfast. Go. Run. This is the single most productive thing you can do right now. Prepare for it the night before. Check the weather. Lay out your clothes. Queue up your play list. Drink plenty of water. Eat a banana. Get ready to run. You must plan this out and prepare for it in order to sanctify it. Holiness takes preparation. I’m going to thank myself ahead of time for doing this.
One more thing. The internet is the best place to hide, maybe too good. This one’s up to you, but... I’d appreciate if you’d consider staying away from electronics for a while. You decide you’re own limit. Playing video games and surfing the net is too inviting. Come camp with me says MGSV. No one will find you here. I’m sorry Snake, I have to be careful because you are a toxic friend. Moderation. I have many projects that don’t involve a computer screen. Completing any one of them would do me a world of good. Please don’t make me ask again.
Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you or I have ever tasted.

CoGs - Fasting, lesson 1

Conversations with God 8/26/12 Tomorrow, I’m going to begin a fast. I’m fasting from just about everything that I use to comfort myself, everything from food and softdrinks down to cracking my neck and chewing gum. Most music and all entertainment is right out. Take away any two of the things on this list and it’s sure to kill me. I have ten in all 1. The fast will last until Thursday morning. 2. No Food 3. No Gum 4. No coffee, tea, or comfort beverages (ahem) 5. No soda or Gatorade 6. Medicine only in moderation 7. No music (except live worship) 8. No facebook newsfeed (group and message communication is fine) 9. No Entertainment (websites, videogames, movies, tv shows, or any other distraction vehicle) 10. No cracking my neck (stretching without popping is allowed) Now, I know this looks pretty legalistic, and you’d be right, except all these things allow me to be so comfortable that I don’t see my need for God, and I would argue that that (for the time being) makes them sin. Besides, the point of this fast is to kill myself. The part of me that says masturbation and pornography is ok, must die. I want to be clean. I need to be pure. I need to live a life worthy of the calling I’ve received. I cannot go on worshipping the Lord, while knowing i’m not in a right relationship with him. This is my oldest sin, and it’s well past time that it get’s put away. I know that lust will be a life-long battle, but it’s time to start fighting, it’s time to start winning. I need to reclaim the moral ‘high ground’. I can’t lead these people to the Lord, if I’m running away from him myself. It is with this that I approached God in prayer. I said, “Lord, I need to give this up for you. I need to be rid of this sin.” and I almost immediately felt a gentle reply, “What makes you so sure it’s a sin? What if pie is ok for you?” As much as I would love to entertain that possibility, I know the fact is the opposite. LUST IS WRONG. IT IS A SIN TO LOOK LUSTFULLY AT A WOMAN. “Are you sure? What if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing?” At this point, I’m angry and stubborn. “It is wrong, and nobody can convince me otherwise. Not even ...God.” Then God spoke to me in a voice that I used to call familiar. “This is the first lesson. I haven’t spoken to you in a long time, because you stopped obeying, then you stopped listening, so I stopped speaking. If you want to hear my voice, you better be ready to obey it. Especially in the next 3 days, you are going to hear things from me that you don’t want to hear. You will drop lower than you’ve ever been, but through all, you need to trust me. I promise it will make sense when we’re done. Lust is sin, that is a truth. I have forgiven you for it, that is also a truth. Now, if you are going to make it through repentance and purification, you better be ready to listen to my voice above your own. I’m going to tell you some very difficult things, especially over the next 3 days, most of which, you will need to take on trust. Ok?” Yes Lord. Thoughts of bread of adversity and water of affliction on the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. “Good, now for the second lesson. When you get home, you need to write all this down. Be diligent about writing your lessons for the next few days. Everybody but Job knows the story of Job, and similarly, our notes may become more important than you. I will bless you to be a blessing. So write.”

Following the Lord

I'm so behind on this blog. I'm ashamed.
Let's nut-shell the things that have happened since I've started this pursuit of the ultimate life.
I quit smoking.
I found Jesus.
I bought a motorcycle.
I started smoking again.
I shaved my head.
I committed to following Jesus daily.
I quit smoking again, but this time I'm doing it because Jesus asked me too.

God spoke to me today, and I need to write it down before I forget.
I've had a rough day, and I'm stressed out, and I'm really craving one right now.
The most important part of following Jesus is picking up our cross daily.
Surrender your will for his will, die to your own desires.
Now I want to quit smoking. I want this pain to go away. I want these cravings to subside.
I cried out to the Lord. "Please God, help me quit, I want to quit, Please Lord!"
Then God spoke, "What if I asked you to smoke?"
"What?" I thought, "Are you serious?"
"Yes, what if I told you to go buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke them. Would you do it?"
"Lord, why? After everything we've been through, how far we've come? Why would you tell me to go back?"
God said, "It's not about the cigarettes. It's about you surrendering your will to me. Leaning not on your own understanding but on ME! Will you follow me? Will you die to yourself and trust in me?"
I stopped, I thought. Quitting smoking may be good for me, but it's still something that I'm trying to do myself. Jesus beat sin, his resurrection proved that. We are no longer slaves to sin, God himself payed the price for our souls so that we could truly be with him and he could truly be in us. I need to cry out to the Lord, not in agony but in gratitude. For he has allowed something to push me in such a way that I can learn from it and draw closer to him. Ultimately, that is what I want, to be right by God, to be in his love, to have the superlative life. So I surrender.
"Yes Lord, your will be done."
I went to grab my keys and my wallet, the gas station requires ID.
"NO! STOP! It was a lesson! AGAIN, it's not about the cigarettes. It's about surrendering your heart to me. I am ALL that you need. I have your heart, I will not let you go, no matter what happens, you are mine. Now, go read Hebrews and I'll give you peace."
Praise the Lord.

Advice

Everybodys Free (Sunscreen Song) - as read by Baz Luhrmann, written by Mary Schmich

The Woman of My Dreams.

Last night, I had a dream that I fell in love with a girl that I've never met while passing each other in a public building. It was strangly vivid, and I expereienced every range of emotion as I tracked her down and asked her out. I can still see her face, I can still remember the conversation.
Sandy hair, glasses, nerdy and awkward, but in a way that was irresistibly endearing.
I first saw her at night. She was part of some technology or science club meeting, I don't know what I was doing there. Maybe it was a food court at the mall? I only saw her for a second, but my heart was in my throat ever since.

The second time i saw her (same dream), I was guiding a customer or friend or something down a hall when I saw her. What ever I was doing/saying evaporated and I made up my mind to ask this girl out. It seems that this girl had already made up her mind as she saw me approching, when she grinned.
I started to talk,
"Hi, I was wondering if... would like to know if...", the words come out jumbled.
"Sorry, I'm taken," she interrupts, it takes me a moment to process. I didn't expect
"by art!" she interrupts, (or writing or some other semi girly hobby)
I forget exactly what she said, but whatever it was, it wasn't as important as the way she said it.
Oh, she's trying to be coy, I think to myself.
OH, that means she's nervious too. AHHHH she wants this to happen as I do. I'm in!
Now all I have to do is ask. I think as she grins at me expectantly.
In the hallway of a public building I ask out a total stranger, a girl of my dreams,
who I wlll probably never meet. Because now I'm awake. It's strange, I rarely dream, and when I do it's just vapid clouds of emotion, no real content. No background, no detail. Just puffs of smoke that seem like a plot. Not this time. This dream, seemed real. That has only ever happened to me a couple times before. Why? What does it mean? Will I ever see her again?
Good bye, nerdy, sandy haired bespeckeled woman. Shall I pick you up around 10? That's about when I get off. That's when I go to sleep again.

Nostalgia

No matter how difficult it is, it's the challenges that you end up remembering, not the easy times. In a few years, you'll romanticize the whole ordeal and look back on it fondly, even more so if you find a way to enjoy it as it's happening.

James Joyce

"A man's errors are his portals of discovery." - James Joyce

Albert Camus

A human's work is nothing more than the slow trek to rediscover, through the detours of art, those two or three great and simple images in whose presence the heart first opened. - Albert Camus

Toys in the Attic

"All too quickly, we forget the lessons we've learned, and we must learn them all over again." -Jet from Cowboy Bebop, Episode "Toys in the Attic"

Greg's Guide to Better Conversations, pt 2

If you're like me you yearn to have deeper, more intimate conversations with people.
Those crucial yet brief moments of social interaction may very well get you through the day. I never seemed to be able to get my head around it. Do I have a problem communicating effectively? Or does everybody else. As Taylor Mali puts it, "have we just gotten to the point where we're the most aggressively inarticulate generation to come along since, ya know, a long time ago?" Conversations just aren't as intellectually stimulating as they should be. Why have we become so unapproachable in real life that we have to rely on text messaging, facebook, twitter, email, instant messaging, voicemail and the like just to communicate on a meaningful, but entirely unsatisfying level.
Luckly, there are people who devote their lives to studying the mechanics of human conversation, and there are many things we can learn from them.

Holds.
Holds are those little rubber grips on a climbing wall that help you get from one step to another.[1] They are also pieces of information within a conversation that are relevant and important to keep the conversation going. How about an example.
One day, while at your favorite indoor climbing range, you see a cute someone climbing a wall.
You decide that you would like to strike up a conversation with that person. But you can't just go up and start talking to a complete stranger. You risk sounding like a creeper, crazy person, or possibly even offending them.[2] So what we do is search for holds. A dog, a hairstyle, an odd piece of clothing, the surroundings, anything to strike up a conversation and get your foot in the door. I have intentionally started wearing one bizarre piece of clothing each day just so that if anyone is on the edge about striking up a conversation with me, I provide them with a foot hold to start from. Conversely, if I don't want to be talked to today, I'll dress myself very plainly. Lots of grey, no odd clothes, go easy on the hair style. I'm a statue, I'm a face in the crowd, I'm telling everyone I want to be left alone, and I'm unapproachable. It's the same as 'going offline' on facebook chat.

Getting the conversation going is one thing, keeping it going is another, but the holds rule is still in effect.
Person A: "I like turtles" This sentence has one hold, turtles. The only polite course of action would be for you to continue the conversation about turtles. You could also try changing the subject or ending the conversation, but neither of those will have satisfying results.
Person A: "I like my turtles" This sentence has a lot more holds.
Person B: "How many turtles do you have? What are their names? How long have you had turtles? Why did you choose turtles over a more conventional pet?" so on and so forth.
By carefully choosing the 'holds' you offer, you can steer the conversation in a particular direction. Be careful though, as in this driving metaphor, there are dead ends.

Person A: "Hey, how are you doing?"
Person B: "Fine." ... Obviously person B doesn't want to talk, but at least they acknowledge you.
Person C: "I'm ok" ... Still not much to work with, but it prompts deeper conversation, but only if Person A is genuinely interested.
Person D: "OMG you're not going to believe the weekend I've been having, blah blah blah"
Person D has just spewn molten crazy all over person A, and person A is unlikely to ever ask again. Where did D go wrong? As it turns out, maybe Person A had something more important to talk about than whatever was on person D's mind. Person A was probably starting the conversation for a reason, let's give them a chance.
Starting a conversation is like pulling up to a four way stop. You have to negotiate who has the right-of-way before plowing through the intersection. You'll get your turn to talk so long as you don't crash the conversation before you get there.

Other ways to crash a conversation is by not offering a single hold. Demurrals, evasions, and dodges all stall the conversation. By not answering the question, or by being coy, you are intentionally sticking a wrench in the gears of the conversation. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you" is funny but how do you respond to that?
You don't. The conversation is dead because you obviously can't create any more original thoughts. It's like talking to a parrot. If you tell a joke, make sure it's relevant.

The last thing about having meaningful conversations is to put yourself out there. I catch myself dodging out of conversations all the time. I excuse myself because I am busy or preoccupied. Then, at the end of the day, I wonder why I don't feel like I've connected with anybody. I become disappointed in myself and angry at others. Don't hold out on your conversations.



[1] Yes, this whole post is basically a rip off of a chapter in Brian Christian's book, "The Most Human Human" get used to this sort of thing, it will happen a lot around here.
[2] Ever been out in public, when someone from your past recognizes you, comes running up and eagerly shouts, "Hey, remember me?" What follows is a delicate situation. The first possibility is that you have someone who genuinely used to be your friend and misses your company. The second is that an insane person has just inconvenienced you. And the third is that someone insignificant from your past (who just so happens to have a photographic memory) has just put you in a very awkward situation. You could pretend you know them, gracefully excuse yourself from the conversation, or do a 'Meet the Parents spike' and send that volleyball of awkwardness right back at their face (personal favorite). "Nope sorry, I do not remember you. I guess you didn't leave a lasting impression on me. Goodbye."