I can feel one of my turns comin' on.

Tales of Mere Existence

Maybe I'm just tired, but I'm feelin kinda down. I keep telling myself that this is a phase and that it will pass, but the truth is that I've been depressed for my entire life. There were a few times when I felt pretty good about myself and that was usually right before and while dating most of the girlfriends that I have had. I'm trying to decide if I'm unmotivated or if I just don't care about anything anymore. Whatever the reason, I can't seem to focus on my goals. I know what I want out of life, but every time I try to think about ways of accomplishing these goals, my friends, family, job, house, car, bills, job, or even my own mind finds a way to completely distract me. Soon, I forget all about my big plans for self improvement and spend all afternoon on the couch. It's like when you are at work, and all you can think about is what you'd do if you had a day off. Then, when you finally get a day off, you can't think of anything to do. So now, I'm a full grown adult and I've accomplished virtually nothing that I set out to do. I'm wondering if all my big life plans are still possible or if they're even worth the trouble. I mean, every time I set out to make a change I fall right back into routine. Why do I always end up doing things that I know I shouldn't do? Why do I stop doing things that I'd like to continue doing? WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS FRIGGIN ATROPHY? Maybe, that is fate telling me that it's just not possible/worth the effort to follow my dreams. I'm obviously not happy here, and you can't say I didn't try. Why don't the changes stick? Why can't I do long term commitment to things like exercising or finish any big projects like organizing my music library? Is it all pointless and futile? Is it really worth the trouble to floss every night? Why bother mowing the lawn, it's just going to grow back. Why not let the grass grow as high as it wants? Why fight it? When I'm old and dead that grass is gonna grow and nothing I do to it now is going to matter. I want a higher quality of life, but something in my head is holding me back. It feels like success is right on the tip of my tongue, the answer is obscured by a thin layer of frozen subconscious. I'm an engineer, why can't I figure this out?

I'm wondering if I'm just spinning my wheels and if I'm ever going to actually get anywhere.